By Jordy Altman

Tired of running your air conditional all summer? Chilly treats and cold towels not quite taking care of it any more? Stop looking for new ways to keep cool in record high temperatures and try one of these creative ways to beat the heat in Southern California.

  • Go to the beach every day.
  • After you’re tired of the beach, run down to the bodega on the corner and buy a pack of Doublemint gum with a bottle of water. Chew the whole pack and proceed to chug the water. The minty explosion will wash through your bones like a refreshing wave of ocean water.
  • Now that you’ve spent all of your money on gum and water, invite yourself over to a friend’s house, open up their fridge, soak in the cold until they kick you out, call a new friend, repeat.
  • While you’re at it, break up with your significant other so you can sleep alone. No extra body heat, cooler nights!
  • Strip naked. No tight cotton blends to trap the heat! Please, just remember that if you’re naked in SoCal you it in an appropriate place, like your own apartment, or one of our Nude Beaches.
  • Loiter for as long as you can in a large, public air-conditioned building. We recommend shopping malls, the public library, or movie theaters. Note: many of these businesses operate on a “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” policy. Plan accordingly.
  • Make amends with your friends, apologize for being a jerk, and then invite everybody out to a large-scale Super Soaker fight on the beach.
  • Take over a small, tropical island and hire somebody to fan you with a giant banana leaf.
  • Take out all of your blood and replace it with FROZEN blood. Jury’s still out on this one, but until we hear from Bill Nye we’re moving forward.
  • Buy a leather jacket, throw on some Ray-bans, and slick back your hair. No matter what temperature it is, you’re way cooler than everybody else.

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